The Spanking New John Cleese Forum - All Discussions

Welcome all new Cheeselets

jackcheese — Thu, 10 Jan 2008 11:41:06 +0000

Once you have registered please sign in here with your welcome greetings

How to post pictures, links, and quotes and do some text effects

mrsthing — Sun, 7 Jun 2009 23:53:31 +0100

***Pictures:

Copy the URL of the photo you want to paste. JPGs work well, GIFs are iffy.
Paste the URL in a comments box on the forum.
Put after. No spaces between the URL and the quotation marks.
Tick or click on the Html button below the box in which you enter your comments.
Submit

If the picture doesn't have a URL, upload it to something like Photobucket, and get the URL from there. To embed a picture, it has to have a URL.

If the picture doesn't print, check to make sure you coded it properly. Extra spaces, missing spaces, incorrect or missing or extra characters--all these cause failure.

***Links:

Copy and paste the URL of the item you want to link.
Type TEXT after. Where it says "TEXT" here, type the name you want for the link. It can be as long or as short as you like.
Tick or click on the Html button below the box in which you enter your comments.
Submit

If you add 'target="_blank"' in the html link code it'll open a new window, instead of taking over your beloved cleeseblog window! (At least, it works that way in Internet Explorer!)

that is, Type target="_blank" href=" before the URL and ">TEXT after.

If it doesn't work, check to make sure you typed the whole thing correctly.

***To insert a quote:

Copy and paste the text you want to appear in the quote box.
You have to enter some hard returns (press the enter key) or the text will come out in one long line, merrily traveling outside the box and possibly off the page.
Type before it and after it.
Finish your post.
Tick or click on the Html button below the box in which you enter your comments.
Submit.

In order to embed a video, you have to have an unidentified button between the Text and Html buttons. I get this in Safari, but not in Firefox. If you don't have three buttons below the comments box, try another browser. If that doesn't work, you'll have to post a link instead.

***For text effects:

Italics are text
Bold is text
Underline is text
Strikethrough is ~~text~~

***Emoticons:

Click on Vanillacons just above the "submit" button. There are 5 separate categories of emoticons, but you can only display one at a time.

***For different font sizes:

Size 1
Size 2
Size 3
Size -2
Size -1
Size +1
Size +2

***For different font colors:

red
blue
green
yellow
orange
violet
purple
pink
silver
gold
gray
aqua
skyblue
lightblue
fuchsia
khaki

***For moving text:
Thusly

***To insert "fill in the blank" text boxes:

***To insert check boxes:

Signing Up To This Forum: The New User Policy

Wed, 7 Oct 2009 14:41:12 +0100

New forum applications are vetted.

This is because the old forum became spammy. Therefore, if you have a dodgy-looking email address, or if you make multiple requests, or if you request an inconsistent or suspicious user name such as "iwillpunchyouinthefaceandstealyourwallet" or "IWantYourBabiesNow!" or some similarly annoying monicker, or, if your email address is dsgsajhdfjhgsdjkf@hotmail.com or wibblytrotters@gmail.com but your user name says "Rupert Bear" or "Miranda Freshcakes" chances are you won't be let in on the basis that you might be evil, and then we'd have to waste time removing you.

That's it! Have a nice day!

About This Forum

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 08:07:27 +0100

"AS IS"

The Spanking New John Cleese forum is offered "as is" with no guarantee of anything whatsoever.

CONTENT POLICY

Tolerance and respect = the policy. This forum is for grown ups. We expect a live-and-let-live attitude to prevail at all times. Banter is allowed. Flaming, trolling or abuse is not allowed.

GOOD BEHAVIOUR

Your continued use of this forum depends upon your being good, and we alone decide what is good. Bad behaviour, including posting spam, making nasty personal comments (including in private messages) or getting on too many people's nerves will result in membership being terminated.

NB: We reserve entirely the right to ban any member for any reason at any time.

PUBLIC CONTENT

Do not post things here which you do not want to be public. Or to put it another way, anything you post here will be public, show up in search engines, and might be republished elsewhere.

SUPPORT

There is no technical or other support. It's totally up to members to navigate and make use of the forum. If you get confused, generally you will find that the (mostly) helpful members will assist you.

TERMS

These bare-bones terms may be arbitrarily amended at any time and your continuing use of this forum indicates your acceptance of them.

Enjoy!

Who Here Has Glasses?

Naughty Opossum — Sun, 15 Aug 2010 20:04:54 +0100

I have glasses. I'm nearsighted.
I've had them since I was 7, and I'm pretty blind without them. Everything is just a big blur.
Never had contacts, and I don't want any. My mom wants to get me a corrective surgery once my condition allows it. I think it'll be cool not to have them anymore, I can't really remember what it's like to see normally. But I don't mind how I look with them. Usually I think most people look better with (the right kind of) glasses.

Who else is deformed? :bigsmile:

Angry Pundits

mrsthing — Fri, 3 Sep 2010 18:41:59 +0100

You know what I've had enough of? Angry young people on YouTube venting their hostility with profanity and obscene gestures and thinking that they're pwning the people they disagree with. They're idiots if they think that ANYONE is listening to them except for other hostile, vocabulary-challenged idiots like themselves. Some even start off sounding like they may have some interesting perspectives on issues, but it always degrades to "Fuck You [whoever]!" and giving the one-fingered salute. Ooooo, I'm really impressed: some young idiot got up and said "fuck" on YouTube and flipped the bird at his imaginary opponents.

Grow up, all of you!

And to those who are not young and are venting their hostility a bit more eloquently on Faux News, YOU GROW UP TOO!

So tired of playground punditry!

JimJimJimGrande

cassbtt — Tue, 7 Sep 2010 00:19:46 +0100

The only reason I called it JimJim etc. is because that's the guy's username on the DoneDealPro Writer's Board. But... you gotta see these little animations this guy's putting together. There's a certain Monty Pythonishnessism to them:

Screenwriting Advice

There are three, so don't miss the ones below the one that shows up first; check down below. They're not as profane as the first one here. I especially like the one with the Swedish accent.

hee hee

....How much is Val absent-minded?....

Valetudinaria — Sat, 17 Jul 2010 15:43:16 +0100

Or, frankly, how much is she stupid? Come on, let me know, I'm interested.

Sorry, the page I found about the zoo in Bristol was a "news" from 2008....

If You Don't Read This You're a Cunt

Lozzykinz — Sun, 5 Sep 2010 19:35:19 +0100

And if you do read this, you are a nosey bastard who deserves to get tit juice sprayed all over you.

Get a job you bums...

englishcad — Mon, 6 Sep 2010 12:08:12 +0100

Midday and on the forum!!
Lozzy, CP everyone else is at work...
Cads doing 'err' important book research...

Loonies and Twonies

osiris — Mon, 2 Aug 2010 18:19:56 +0100

Gee I am really interested in "Loony Tunes".

So I have this nation to the north called Canada. I like the place so much I married one of their women!

So I go over there...

and it is Looneytunes!

They have a coin worth a buck called a Loony, cause it has the bird on it, the Loon.
Then they got one worth two bucks, and the call it a Twonie.

Loony Tunes!

Excuse me while I loose my mind.
Straight jacket approved.

Love,
Michael, The Valkyrie

Cleesey Videos here

Lozzykinz — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 14:06:33 +0000

I thought we should make a seperate thread for all of our videos of mr cleese because at the moment they are all scattered about everywhere.

So, i found this lovely interview with him and Dawn French.

I can't find part 2 though, just this part and part 3.

Part 3 made me chuckle when he talks about how he punished his kids.:bigsmile:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDryok7xeTo

tHE mOST dISGUSTING wORDS eVER

Lozzykinz — Sun, 5 Sep 2010 19:34:20 +0100

Yes! That's right! Let's think up some really digusting words!

I shall start.

brussels
fannywax
dickcheese

Epitaph and last words...

englishcad — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 10:09:13 +0100

Val got Cad pondering this last night... What would you want on your Epitaph... There are several very famous ones 'Told you I was ill' and 'That's all folks' Mel Blanc.
Cads is to be 'what was that all about?'

Famous last word "This wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One of us has to go". Oscar Wilde, wasn't his very last words, but still very funny...

Lady Astor 'is it my birthday or am I dying?' As all her children gathered round her bed.

Your Holiness maybe you would like to come up with a few just in case...

Word Association

Valetudinaria — Tue, 6 Apr 2010 10:14:34 +0100

The usual old game...but, as we are not the usual old people, it might turn into something different. E.g. When I was unaware of Fawlty Towers' existence, to me "Torquay" meant "Agatha Christie". As I am evidently affected with megalomania (and still unaware if JC did see my Fawlty amateurish video, which I made...let's see...9 months ago? - Your Holiness, I don't want to be insistent but WOULD YOU LET ME KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT? "I watched it and decided not to tell you anything because I didn't want to hurt your feelings but as you keep on asking...it's the most embarassing piece of junk that I've ever seen. Happy now?" would be a welcome reply) I dare to post it once again. The first word is "Torquay". No rules, just say what the word reminds you of. We can amuse ourselves by playing to the amateurish psychoanalyst, at least. (E.g. "Lozzy, I said 'chocolate' and you replied 'shit'. Is there something you would like to talk about?") TORQUAY

Bumhole

Lozzykinz — Sun, 5 Sep 2010 19:28:36 +0100

BUMHOLIO!

I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! AND I NEED TP! FOR MY BUMHOLE!

BUMHOLIO!

Hurricane Dud

mrsthing — Fri, 3 Sep 2010 18:34:17 +0100

And I don't mean "Dudley". This is the worst case of over-hyping a storm that I've ever seen! The damned thing is a Cat 1 storm that's quickly weakening and moving way further east than it was forecasted this morning.

Weather Channel, you liar! I just about busted my back and knees last night picking up the yard and decks, and now I have to put about half of that stuff back!

I hate TWC. :middlefinger:

My take on Hawking's position

WmCElliott — Fri, 3 Sep 2010 21:50:11 +0100

What I posted on http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-1308616/Stephen-Hawking-Archbishop-Canterbury-attacks-claim-God-did-NOT-create-Universe.html#comments , thanks to Cad for directing me to the site.

"Einstein said he believed in the God of Spinoza (that God wrote the laws of physics and enforces same).
Aristotle said "A man is responsible for the foreseeable consequences of his deliberate acts."
Aristotle did not realize we'd need a universe with two sets of physical laws for Responsibility to exist. Without Newtonian Physics, no action would have foreseeable consequences. Without QM, no human would have the Free Will to allow deliberation ("Determinism vs. Free Will" - two sets of physics required).
Hawking once calculated the likelihood of a universe that could support life, based on the effects of the Universal Constants, and found that the range of Universal Constants that allowed life to exist was "astronomically small".
I wish he'd perform the calculation again, this time calculating the likelihood of finding a universe that allows *Responsibility".
It must be much less likely than finding a universe that allows life. That implies that God cares about our actions."

Bath Life (The Magazine)

Valetudinaria — Fri, 27 Aug 2010 14:32:35 +0100

Bath Life Online - Interview & Beautiful Photos

The Non-Sequitur Thread

mrsthing — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 07:58:27 +0100

No post can have anything to do with the three immediately preceding it. So you'll have to read those three before you post.

Don't answer anyone's comments in this thread.

Don't go all passive agressive and start a conversation. It's just a game.

Be brief.

come again...

englishcad — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:40:12 +0100

Bunni got Cad thinking... Her Boyfriend shouts goal? What do other people call out?
'Oh God' and 'Oh Jesus' feature heavily, but is this really the time to attract their attention?
Cads as many will know is 'who's your daddy' quickly followed by zzzzz zzzzz zzzzz

Yet another high brow thread created by Cad...

This Place Is Dead

Lozzykinz — Fri, 3 Sep 2010 09:18:12 +0100

Shut it down...ffs.

:tongue:

No, seriously though...where is everyone? Compared to 6 months ago, this place just seems...well, i dunno...a little flat? Where the fuck's the humour? Now all we do is argue and post about free ebooks (ahem).

Seriously man...let's get this place back on track.

Willy.

Education Doesn't Always Indicate Intelligence

mrsthing — Wed, 1 Sep 2010 02:18:45 +0100

California Doctor Dies in House Chimney

Her boyfriend wouldn't let her into the house, so she went at the back door with a shovel. The BF fled the home unnoticed. Having no luck with the back door, she tried to climb down the chimney. She suffocated. What amazed me is that they found her wedged only 2 feet above the fireplace. I thought house chimneys were made small enough that no person big enough to climb onto a roof by themselves could get into them.

The cheer up ZELDA thread!

englishcad — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 21:35:16 +0100

It has been brought to Cads attention that one of our members is feeling a little sad and needs cheering up. Cad being the consummate gentleman is not going to name, names of course... Cad would like all you fine people and naughty, to post happy things that might cheer them up.

Monty Python - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life

Cheer up you old bugger!!! x

Download my ebook for FREE!

Lozzykinz — Wed, 1 Sep 2010 14:11:53 +0100

http://www.lulu.com/product/ebook/barry-the-book-eater/12462604?productTrackingContext=search_results/search_shelf/center/2

This story is only short (8 pages) and it is possible to buy a hard copy too but I have ordered myself a copy first before I attempt to sell it just to see that it has printed okay etc. Somehow I don't think i will sell any hard copies...but it was my first attempt and i am learning

How catalysts work and why gold is yellow

WmCElliott — Thu, 1 Jul 2010 08:03:23 +0100

I've broached several technical topics here, and gotten vague and long-winded simultaneously, which I feel does people (and the topics) a disservice. Here, in this thread, I shall be more rigorous in explaining in plain English (in-so-far as it's possible) the concepts I find fascinating, and am probably alone in that respect.

Catalysts make chemical reactions that are possible move along at an accelerated rate. Hydrogen Peroxide is just water with another oxygen atom stuck to it, but that makes it unstable, so it spontaneously decomposes into water and oxygen gas, but at such a slow rate that the brown plastic bottle you bought last year probably still stings on an open cut (and foams up, which is the oxygen gas being released).

Silver screens are good catalysts for speeding up this decomposition. Any chemist can tell you that. Few can tell you why. Here's why.

Silver is not generally considered a "heavy metal", but it does have a dense nucleus. So dense, in fact, that the basic concepts taught in high school chemistry aren't quite correct anymore. You still have the nucleus in the middle and the electrons in "orbital shells" around it, but the concept of "valence" is rather muddied due to the close proximity to the relatively dense nucleus. The electrons, so close to so much mass, tend to "orbit" faster and closer than normal, lower-density metals of the same family (in the "Periodic Table of the Elements").

This makes them enter into odd pairings, chemically, which tend to be short-lived. (Think, "beer goggles/coyote-ugly" syndromes happening between molecules - silver atoms tend to get drunk, flirt with a girl, get her to agree to a threesome, and then waking up sober and leaving, but the other two still like each other. Cad, you can relate, right?)

Well, it's Einstein's Time Dilation principle making the electrons seem like they're drunk, and it's quantum mechanics that makes them fickle. Time slows down for particles going close to the speed of light, which affects their valence/charge, and quantum mechanics prevents them from having intermediate charges, forcing them to be totally straight 40% of the time and completely gay 60% of the time but never bisexual. (The 40/60 split is determined by Einstein's Time Dilation, which is a function of how close to the speed of light they're traveling.)

Why is gold yellow? Its nucleus is even more dense than silver, and its electrons are going even faster as a result, and as a consequence, gold absorbs blue light and reflects the yellow we see (when theoretically, leaving out Time Dilation, it'd be silver-colored).

Going up to heavier heavy metals, and the absorption band extends across the visible spectrum, and you just get lead-gray reflections, even when the surfaces are polished. The photons' energy is on the same order as the electrons' energy, and some of the photons are absorbed, like "hobos" catching a slow-moving train car.

Mrsthing needs her degree Diploma

zelda — Fri, 3 Sep 2010 06:42:44 +0100

Mrsthing is missing one course to her BA degree in Music. Her college went under. She needs her Diploma. I would make her one, but am too virtually illiterate. Will the knowledgeble create a Diploma and she can choose the one she likes.. I think it needs to be printable and fitting of her efforts.

Cads books are free-er ...Cad also sells snake oil...

englishcad — Thu, 2 Sep 2010 21:02:49 +0100

www.lulu.com/content/1771413

Haven't read this in years just read a bit made Cad smile, God it's good to be me...

There is nothing Cad won't sprout off about...Look out for Cads next book 'Ignorance is bliss'...

The New Limerick Thread

mrsthing — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 01:22:58 +0000

Because Chris asked for a new one.

Monty python - THE PETITION

Spiny Norman — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 21:44:19 +0000

Monty Python has been available on DVD for some time, but some things are missing!

Please read the story, and sign the petition below:

http://www.petitiononline.com/topython/petition.html

Thank you!