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Fjord Moose: My Rude Bathroom Partner At WalMart -

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    Earlier today I was at WalMart and a 24-hour flu-bug had been making it's rounds through family and friends. So it hit me at WalMart, and I hurried into the bathroom. I did not make a lot of noise whatsoever, but everything exited that was ill-smelling, but as it was still coming out, the woman in the stall next to me just said very loudly and rudely, "Good God!". Then hurried out of there. How rude was that? You'd think she would have been glad for me that I got it out.
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    When I was potty-trained, people didn't say things like Good God! I would be congratulated, praised, rewarded. I have the same ass now that I had back then, just that it's older and bigger, that's all. If I had been some famous person in there pooping away, same woman in other stall would have probably asked for some of that poop to save in a little jar along with an autograph. People are so shallow.
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeApr 10th 2011
     
    Men are proud of their stench, why shouldn't women be? I never got why women couldn't be proud of being stinky. Especially when it's poop--I mean, it comes from a smelly place!
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    It's not like it was really mine! It was a flu-bug! It came from somebody else and invaded my body and then it came out, and I'm so happy it's gone! I walked out of there feeling younger and calmer!
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeApr 12th 2011 edited
     
    What goes in,Fanny, must come out...Why in the bawhoo do you go to Walmart anyway? Aren't you afraid of becoming a Walmart greeter? "Hello, welcome to Walmart. I just had a frontal labotomy so the kids want me do this. I was a Cardiologist, but what tha. Think I'm too old; want the money now. I would be using my money for whores and wine but thy will just have me committed. Excuse for a moment"..."Hey little lady with the short dress on. Would you like to come home with me for a little wine"?
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    Wallmart wine? Does it come in a box?

    Fanny, your poop is wonderful and natural, in every shape of form.
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeApr 17th 2011 edited
     
    Walmart, is against my principles. I prefer local shops and businesses. Wine in Walmart? That store makes me dizzy enough..but wine in boxes? Doesn't it leak? Ew. I will just stick with bottles. You have to walk ten miles to get to one end of the store to the other just to find what you want. Those greeters are for looks and are nonfunctioning. No multitasking there. The towel sction does not know where to find the glue and the glue people have no idea what Morningstar Farm's Sausage is. I need direction especially when I go to the store to buy something. Go to Walmart for shampoo and come out with a bunch of tacky clothes that do not evn fit. Mnnnn no! Give me family dollar store anytime. Cute clothes...
    In regards to poop. Keep it quiet. Besides mine is sweet.
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    Wine in a box is better than wine in a can
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeApr 18th 2011
     
    A can can, a box can't. Maybe a can in a box will do. Sheesh! Go to the wine market! I presume wine drinkers do not shop at the Walmart.
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      CommentAuthorchris14
    • CommentTimeApr 18th 2011
     
    Fanny, just ignore her. I wonder how her dung smells... Or maybe it wasn't you who she 'Good Godded', but her own... Or if she didn't poo, perhaps it was the scent of her armpit or bowel-gases, or simply she removed her shoes... or her urine was so smelly. Or she forgot her bag in the shop and it was the moment of her enlightenment. Or... she had a vibrator with her and she reached her climax... Or dropped her mobile into the toilet accidentally. Or, er... I don't know... there are so many possibilities...
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeApr 18th 2011 edited
     
    Chrissy is right. She could have brought her Kitty litter with her to dump in the Walmart sewege. Maybe she lives with 250 cats and doesn't even know what sweet poo smells like!
    I think you should have pity on her. Pray for her. Light a candle at Mass for her. Name your 5th born after her. Relax and know it was nothing you did wrong.
    Be happy. You got the nasty stuff out of your intestines. Good girl. Here is a cookie for you.
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeApr 19th 2011
     
    Or just light a match... :wink::wink:
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      CommentAuthorchris14
    • CommentTimeApr 23rd 2011
     
    MrsT, how cruel you can be! :rolling: gas-explosion... this is what you mean...
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeApr 23rd 2011
     
    Just don't blow up the church!:cool:
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeApr 25th 2011
     
    No, Chris. The sulphur in the match generally overpowers the more potent stink of shit or a really powerful fart. Cheap air freshener.
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      CommentAuthorchris14
    • CommentTimeApr 26th 2011
     
    Oh, okay, this is a good idea then. The only problem with this is that lighting a match (and its smell) takes only a few seconds. Or, you should light thousands of matches...
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      CommentAuthorchris14
    • CommentTimeApr 26th 2011
     
    Or what about burnt/caramelised sugar?
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeApr 28th 2011
     
    Nothing seems to burn of the stench of a fart like a lit match. Maybe in addition to the sulphur overpowering the smell, the flame burns off the methane.
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      CommentAuthorcassbtt
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2011
     
    If this post merits all these responses, I think I'm going to write a novel about my infamous flatulence experiences. It'll be a million seller!
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      CommentAuthorchris14
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2011
     
    Yeah, Cass, go for it! We'll be here to help you.
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2011 edited
     
    I was wondering about a methane explosion. KAPOW! Want to reconsider Cassbt?
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeApr 29th 2011
     
    cass, you could make it a collection of essays, like David Sedaris' books.
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      CommentAuthorcassbtt
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2011
     
    True story:

    There was this old T.V. show on Canada's CBC, called "Front Page Challenge". It was about a guest who'd be off-camera, giving hints to a panel of "expert media personalities" who'd try to figure out who the guest is and what the big news story was about.

    Anyway, back in the late 60's, when "fart" was still a naughty word on T.V., one of the expert media personalities joked about "bottling up all the farts in the world and selling them".

    I can't for the life of me remember what the guest or story was about, but I still recall, 40+ years later, my Dad going ape: "That guy's getting worse and worse", about how crude the speaker was!

    Ha ha!

    And, of course, do I need to tell you what my Dad's language was like at home! ha ha
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeMay 1st 2011
     
    My parents were very strict, and I grew up believing that if I swore, I would bring down the wrath of God. At around 6 years old, I thought that might be fun, so I crawled under the back porch and, heart pounding, whispered, "Shit". Imagine my disappointment when nothing happened.

    Though I blew it when I told my mother about it. Man, was she angry! Grounded through the rest of that day and all of the next. I probably got a spanking, too, but I don't remember.
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      CommentAuthorchris14
    • CommentTimeMay 28th 2011
     
    :bigsmile:
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2011
     
    Or an obsessed woman who plays with Kitty dolls, calls herself a thing and has no first name! Borderline personality waiting for chance to clam onto his head and suck his brains out in the first kiss. Or a yankee southener who shoots twinklys from her rearend waiting for the chance to haul her accordian at the person of forementioned lovely border person who will or cannot learn script techniques, thus spoiling her creative attempts to bring professionalism to this group of virtualites...

    Run,John run! Run like the devil before they are loosed on Oxford,England at the RedLion and New theatre, bragging in their drunken tomfoolery of their association to you. The humiliation and embarrasement will be harder to overcome than Basil himself! Cover your face and lock the front doors. Quelle embarrasement!
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeJun 6th 2011 edited
     
    bump
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    I special ordered that movie about the monster from space sucking the brains out of people. How'd you know about that? I remembered it from childhood.
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    It's better than Plan 9 from Outer Space. Plan 9 didn't have a count who burned a witch at the stake and then the spaceship came and it had a creature with a forked tongue that was actually the count who'd been condemned to live a life of hell in outer space, reincarnated over and over again through the centuries. ah the good old days of movies.
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    And he had to use his tongue to suck your brains out, and he'd do it from your neck, while looking into your eyeballs, and after awhile, people figured out there were always two holes.
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    and he arrived in a meteor, the kind that could wipe out all of humanity for once and for all, only this meteor just kind of landed with a thud and a fizzle, and he erupted from the meteor and looked around all scary like going yaaaaaaaaaa uuuuuuuuuu gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Crash crash thud!
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    and I'd look outside at least twenty times at night when that movie was on, because who knows what's out there? WHO KNOWS? I'M ASKING YOU, WHO KNOWS???
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    They never sell enough candy at the theatre.
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    zelda, I would never aim my ass at John. He's safe.
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    I would be very nice and polite.
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeJun 7th 2011
     
    Of course you would be polite, Fan. As southern women we are always polite. Yes, I, too, enjoy a good spaceship movie.
    But, we know what lurks out there...The Zeta and Gulf Drug Cartels 5 miles down the road and they are coming to Mississippi to SUCK OUT YOUR BRAINS AND CHOP OFF YOUR EARS IF YOU DO NOT BRING YOUR ACCORDIAN TO BRISTOL TO PLAY A SONG TO,JOHN. FESS UP!
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    I gave away my accordian a number of years ago. It was white and had inlaid pearl. It also had a hole in the bellows. Why do I want to give an accordian to Sarah Palin's daughter???? MAKES NO SENSE BY GOLLY GEE!
    I have some South American pan pipes, zampora, maybe I could bring that and play a song to Elton John. Would that be okay?
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeJun 8th 2011
     
    sounds good to me.
    Bristol could use a new talent. Maybe we could send it with the space ship alien but then her brains have alredy been sucked out. Poor child never had a chance.
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    rocket mahhhaaaaan I'm a rocket man, and I think it's gonna be a long, long time,
    • CommentAuthormrsthing
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2011 edited
     
    Zelda, if you show up in Bristol, you're going to have a hard time finding the rest of us, as we'll be in Oxford.
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeJun 9th 2011
     
    Do not tell em what to do. I' m a grownup, I am and will go to Cambridge if I want to.

    Oxford? Isn't that in Georgia. Damn, now I'll never make it across this country. sniff.
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    Cambridge is very cool, I think. I wouldn't know, but it just makes me think of
    things like Simon and Garfunkel.
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    And that makes me think of a friend who does go to Cambridge every other year. Why would he leave off the other years, I wonder? Is Cambridge too much all in itself?
    • CommentAuthorzelda
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2011
     
    May be a good side trip.
 

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