The Spanking New John Cleese Forum - Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T00:39:05+01:00

Well... this thread is a new silly and inservible game.
The idea is you write a question. Then answer the question like you think John´s answer.
And write a new question.

You know how to respond as if they were John. And yes, it's more silly, idiot and crazy, more fun.

I start with a question: How you feel when people call you Basil?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T01:35:05+01:00

Can you reformulate the question? No, okay, how do I feel when people call me Basil...indifferent. Perhaps just a little annoyed, it depends on moments. May I ask you a question too? What's the bloody point?? Jeez...where is my coffee?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T08:48:30+01:00

What an awful picture. (That is me, not John talking by the way...it is me)

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T14:26:55+01:00

He's said in the past that he hates it when people call him Basil. So here goes. >ahem<

"Oh, I really detest it when people call me "Basil"! Sometimes I want to get a gun and shoot them. Because I'm not Basil; Basil is everything I detest in people: he's a snob; he's selfish; he's not very bright, and he's proud to be that way. I'm none of those things. At least, I try not to be, and I hope I've succeeded."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T14:27:39+01:00

John, what's your favorite color?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T14:41:43+01:00

'My favourite colour is pink, because it reminds me of just how homosexual i am. I love pink, it is the colour of my house, my car and even my cat. I'm going to dye Garry pink. Bob already is.'

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T14:42:04+01:00

John, what's your favourite food?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T14:58:21+01:00

"I'd have to say...Roast Poodle. [smacks lips] Mmmmmm... They make terrific gravy. The toes, eyes, and testicles make nice appetizers, too. You have to braise the ears, though, or they just get all tough and dry. Except for the brain, the rest of the head is useless: the nose and lips are too spongy, and there isn't enough meat on the rest of the face to be worth bothering with."

John, what is it with blondes? Are you just trying to find someone who doesn't even remotely remind you of your mother?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T14:58:35+01:00

That was mean.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T15:49:04+01:00

I am. Dinner tonight MrsT.?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T15:53:45+01:00

"are you sure she wasn't blond? alright, they're fake blondes"

john, is jamie lee curtis a hermaphrodite?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T17:11:27+01:00

Oh,cough! Cough, cough, cough out that little brain.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-20T19:20:17+01:00

Did you see "Trading Places", cough? She poses topless in her panties. If she had a dick, they wouldn't have let the camera show it.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-21T00:00:13+01:00

John, would you like to live until you are 100 or older?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-21T01:15:57+01:00

is that john's answer? of course she doesn't have to have a dick now its more about erm her package at birth...

afew months ago i saw a fish called wanda on the telly, big laughs, i couldn't remember where i'd seen her before so i stated typing jamie lee curtis into google and first suggestion was 'jamie lee curtis hermaphrodite' ahahahahhaha

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-21T14:48:25+01:00

Oh, just because she's a bit boyish looking doesn't mean she's a hermaphrodite. And if she had the dick removed, she's no longer a hermaphrodite.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-21T14:51:22+01:00

Erm...John, would you like to live until you are 100 or older?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-21T19:22:33+01:00

NO! I'm already falling apart! I just had my knee replaced and the other parts are becoming squishy, wobbly, and creaky. Who knows how much of the real me will even be left by then?

John, just exactly what IS your favorite type of cheese?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-21T20:57:58+01:00

"I prefer not to think about it, it gives me pain. I can't eat cheese anymore; I'm lactose-intolerant."

John, what is your shoe size?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-22T00:28:02+01:00

"Quoting the immortal poetess' words 'Did you know that your foot's as big as your arm from your elbow to your wrist?' If you want to know such a personal detail the only thing you can do is narcotize me and use a tape measure. If you're really shameless you can take me a shoe off and read the size, you depraved woman!"

John, did you ever kiss a man in a not-staged way and being sober? I mean, did you ever do it for mere lust?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-22T17:20:38+01:00

"It was the 1960s; what do you think?"

John, have you opened our gift yet? We'd really like to know if you like it or not. If you're still consulting your lawyers because we used your image on the cover without your permission on a book we're selling to the general public, we understand. Just let us know.

OR

John, I know you dearly love zoos. I do, too. But it doesn't seem right to keep the animals confined and on display. I know they're captive-bred (at least, in the US) and can't be released into the wild, but do you think it would be better to spend the time and money on protecting animals in the wild? Or do you think that if people see the animals in a zoo, they'll be more inclined to support conservation?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-22T17:21:34+01:00

Good lord, if his foot is as big as his forearm, he must have to get custom made shoes!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-22T18:16:56+01:00

It's Julia Roberts' line in "Pretty woman" when she's on Richard Gere's car :Did you know that your foot's as big as your arm from your elbow to your wrist?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-22T22:27:14+01:00

Yeah, but it is! At least, mine is.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T15:16:16+01:00

John, have you opened our gift yet? We'd really like to know if you like it or not. If you're still 
consulting your lawyers because we used your image on the cover without your permission on a book we're 
selling to the general public, we understand. Just let us know.

John: "What gift?"

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T15:16:53+01:00

John, do you like visiting the bathroom?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T19:39:49+01:00

Only if Michael Palin's in there too.

John, what was the make and model of your first motor vehicle?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T20:00:36+01:00

John, would you do a strip show in order to raise money for the alimony?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T20:19:34+01:00

I have.
How do you think I really lost my hip?..

Aren't you tired of your mustache?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T20:50:40+01:00

"A bit. But I have to keep it to hide a horrible looking scar on my upper lip."

How did you get that scar?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T21:03:41+01:00

*runs into the room and interrupts - has he really got a scar?*

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T21:04:07+01:00

Something to do with a geko and an over-priced melon.
Don't ask.

What do you like to put on your hotdog? (I mean ketchup/mustard/relish, and in no way is this a euphemism)

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-23T23:32:19+01:00

hahahahahaha!!!! <----- (that was me, not John)

Ketchup, mustard, relish, and those little tiny corn thingies that Tom Hanks ate in Big. He's a genius, that Tom Hanks. Ask me another time about the euphemism....

How do you feel about suspenders?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T21:35:42+01:00

I think there are very confortables. But i prefer use bras. I look like very well using it.

How is the people in your Forum?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T22:20:34+01:00

"They're absolutely lovely. They call me an old bastard, they pretend...erm, at least I hope so...they pretend they want to fuck me blue, they care for my health, they write to the tabloids 'No fool like an old fool'--oh yes, you did it, you know who you are-- they're simply a-do-ra-ble. Mmm, Garry? What? No, I won't say 'hello', they can go fuck themselves."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T22:21:24+01:00

John, what's your worst fear?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T22:28:39+01:00

"Well, there are several: spiders, impotence, and that my mother will come back from the dead and start trying to run my life again."

John, are you troubled by insomnia?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T22:37:06+01:00

"No, not at all. I don't have any time to sleep when I'm in bed, you know what I mean *nudge nudge*"

John, have you ever...
...
...
had sex with Lozzy's pencil?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T22:42:57+01:00

"I sleep like a child in his mother's arms.
...
..."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T22:43:51+01:00

MINE IS BETTER! CP!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T23:05:45+01:00

"Like a child in MY mother's arms!"
MINE is better!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-25T23:16:17+01:00

TRY! Googlize "sleep+like+a+child+in+my+mother's+arms" and tell me if you find it!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T00:36:11+01:00

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T00:40:37+01:00

Lozzy, look at me. Breath in...breath out. it's not difficult. Breath in...breath out.
Feel better?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T00:47:20+01:00

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T00:49:11+01:00

John,
Do you enjoy plucking eyebrows?
Not necessarily your own of course.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T01:00:23+01:00

No. I hate those nasty filthy eyebrows full of Germs!

What did you have for dinner tonight?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T01:31:17+01:00

Pus, pus, pus, spam and pus.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T01:32:24+01:00

John, what was the best deal you ever got for a quid?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T05:11:23+01:00

You did see Barbie hanging off my arm didn't you? Just a quid!

Will you ever date someone closer to your age?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T14:25:25+01:00

you+dont+need+to+do+this if you "google it like this". quicker ;)

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T15:48:46+01:00

Let me try...You're right! May I kiss you??? I don't care if you're a girl, cough darling!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T19:50:16+01:00

Uh-Hem... anyone answering as John?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T20:43:55+01:00

Perri - If I don't have to, what's the fucking use?

Have you ever considered living in a refrigerator?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T21:18:21+01:00

Once, however the penguins I keep in there kept stepping on my face.

Will you ever allow any other farm animals - besides chickens - to run around your house?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T22:07:47+01:00

I have Garry don't I?

Will Garry ever grow a pair? (Love you Garry! XOXO)

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T22:43:19+01:00

A pair of what? Boobies? I think he would like to grow a pair of boobies, yeah. Yesterday I got him reading a brochure titled 'Enlarge your breast with stem cells'

John, do you still believe in the healing effect of Freudian therapy?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T22:48:34+01:00

"Yes. Once I realized that I just wanted to fuck my mother everything went all right. I do strongly recommend it."

John, when your 1st two wives were nursing your daughters, did you ever try their milk?
How was it?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T23:00:57+01:00

timeout i likethisthread

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T23:04:16+01:00

Ewwww! (that's me, not John)

"Well, to be honest it was so delicious that often I let my daughters almost starve."

John, did you ever consider becoming a dramatic actor?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T23:04:57+01:00

time in I like cough and want him/her to answer my question

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T23:40:57+01:00

May I kiss you???
no.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-26T23:56:04+01:00

Yes, I did. But my legs refused to cooperate.

John, I heard you have an extraordinary amount of toes. Just how many are there?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:09:06+01:00

70 million. One for every year of my life.

John, do you like saddles? What should I put mine on?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:10:52+01:00

"I really don't know and don't bother to know it since I wear only those suede mocassini which are older than my second daughter"

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:11:14+01:00

Nahhhhhhhhh.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:12:58+01:00

I love saddles. I have a custom made saddle for every wife or girlfriend I've had. Oh, uh.... You should put yours on a Chinese mountain goat. I hear they're marvelous.

John, if you had to pick a food to eat every day for the rest of your life what would it be?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:16:32+01:00

Naked Ladies.
That's my favorite pizza topping.

...
What?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:16:49+01:00

Don't look at me, it's John!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:18:26+01:00

John, do you smell like potatoes?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:19:54+01:00

I smell like teen spirit.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:20:22+01:00

No, I smell like creamed corn. All old people smell like creamed corn. It's an old people phenomenon.

John, how many shoelaces would it take to get from your house in California to your house in England?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:22:18+01:00

two

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:22:32+01:00

John, who's your daddy?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:23:38+01:00

santa claus.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:24:06+01:00

John, would you like me to sing for you?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:27:47+01:00

Only if you'll sing from one of my "Secret disc collection" favorites.

John, how would you feel about a total body wax?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:32:29+01:00

Sexually excited, but Mrs Thing wouldn't approve.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:33:50+01:00

i'm up for it. then we can roast the cats.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:36:17+01:00

John, have you ever cried with anger?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:37:59+01:00

yesterday. will you empty my bin dear?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:51:40+01:00

"All old people smell like creamed corn. It's an old people phenomenon. "

They do, too--that's why I'm laughing!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T00:59:38+01:00

Thanks MrsT! I've ALWAYS thought that!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T01:12:43+01:00

yesterday. will you empty my bin dear?

Is it John asking someone to empty his bin?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T01:24:12+01:00

does it matter?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T01:32:57+01:00

Yawn, no.

Give me that bin and call the dog, I'll take him for the last walk of the day. Go to bed, you're tired. Night.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T01:38:33+01:00

your right i'm tired. offff to bed

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T16:18:49+01:00

"Good night, Garry. Good night, Jennifer."

John, do you snore?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T18:43:45+01:00

No, I've had my nose replaced along with everything else. No more snoring at all.. want to find out MrsT?

John, Have you learned to be happy yet?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T20:03:29+01:00

No thanks, John. You're spoken for, so you're off limits.

"Yes."

John, why don't you wear socks?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T20:05:07+01:00

Very hard to find ones that can cover 70 million toes.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T20:07:28+01:00

Do you have a bullet-proof car like the pope?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T20:08:27+01:00

"Wig!? What do you mean? Are you insinuating that I've spent my money on the hair transplants for nothing!? Gawd!
I'm killing someone."

John, which is the worst book you've ever read?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T20:29:40+01:00

The forum's book..... :(

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-27T20:30:34+01:00

Actually, that's impossible, because it implies he's read it.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T00:16:08+01:00

John, except for you, wich is your favourite Python and why?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T00:21:12+01:00

i'm very fond of eric right now. we'll be surfing in a few weeks

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T00:24:04+01:00

Cough... your question!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T00:34:35+01:00

john, why don't you just give her another 6 million now so you can stop working and get back to what you really want to do? you'll still have more money than the average person makes in a lifetime. not saying you're average and i'm sorry about the settlement.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T02:58:30+01:00

If I give the Beast the money now, she'll get that much more interest on it, and I'll have no excuse to tour England next year, which I'm really looking forward to. I'm especially looking forward to meeting some of you at my Oxford show on June 17, 2011.

Next question!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T08:52:51+01:00

John, why is a raven like a writing desk?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T18:38:51+01:00

It gives me caws for hope...

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T18:39:26+01:00

John, what was the last thing you googled?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T19:18:26+01:00

Thumble! A gentleman does not speak of what he does on his own personal time!

John, do you believe in life after love?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T19:55:58+01:00

"Are you asking that because of what happened with Alyce? Then the question should be: 'John, do you believe in life after death?' We'd be talking about a completely different thing, you know."

John, how do you like your coffee? I've heard that there's a really good one made out of the poop of a big cat from somewhere in the fucking jungle. It's really expensive and it seems to taste good. Have you ever tried this one? With your ex-wives' milk or something?
Can you say something nasty about you? I mean something really REALLY nasty, you know what I mean!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:05:40+01:00

"I like my coffee black and the nastiest thing I can say about me is that I like wearing my girlfriend's underwear when she's out...she was a bit perplexed when she found her panties badly ripped."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:09:55+01:00

John did you ever beat someone who couldn't defend himself?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:10:19+01:00

Besides Garry, I mean

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:11:16+01:00

my wife

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:11:32+01:00

Dolly, he tweeted me that he's had the civet poop coffee, and it was very good, but it went for about $1500/lb.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:20:17+01:00

Oh, fuck, he's done it!
How could he pay that much for a shitty coffee, knowing that he has to pay that brutal alimony?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T20:23:53+01:00

this is my favourite thread

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T22:41:51+01:00

I think he just had a cup with a friend--not sure he actually bought a whole pound of it.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T22:55:23+01:00

I HOPE!

John, do you ever read these things?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:32:09+01:00

That's like asking if he's awake - you can't logically answer "no". So I am going to completely disregard this silly question.

John - burploompen shtunkerflitz?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:35:58+01:00

?????? ???

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:36:30+01:00

Exactly.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:36:50+01:00

?? ????????, ???

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:37:33+01:00

No, you didn't understand. Let me reformulate...

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:38:24+01:00

Punyetes mai

Okay?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:39:27+01:00

Okay. Where's Dolly from Barcelona?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:50:44+01:00

Is that what you're asking to John!?
"She isn't. I mean that she isn't anywhere, not that she isn't from Barcelona. She is not. End."

John, aren't you tired of our sticky, often flatulent, flattering insults? :3

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:53:30+01:00

No, I'm not and I would really like you to translate my answer "Punyetes mai" because Opossum's question was very offensive.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-30T23:57:44+01:00

Do I have to say "Carajo, nunca!" to make you understand, you dirty Madrilena???

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T00:03:06+01:00

coño!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T00:03:52+01:00

...
Is that what John's answering?
(I guess you have to, yes. I've been feeling so very idiot these days. I hate vacations, they dumb me)

John, what the heck happened to the castaways from "Lost"? What the hell happened to the island? What the FUCK was that island!?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T00:07:32+01:00

HA, as if I've watched television in the past 20 years.
Lost... yes... is that the one with the professor and the coconut phone?

John - if you were a tree,
would you smell like elderberries?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T00:10:43+01:00

what do you mean, elderberries? are you calling me an elder?

sorry, John, I didn't mean that.

can you still eat nougat?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T00:21:49+01:00

no id still smell like creamed corn

john would tell us do you know ? cough boy or girl

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T02:05:41+01:00

big: I have no idea.

Possum: geliption forkiluck uvula.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T08:24:06+01:00

That explains a lot.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T08:24:53+01:00

John, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck was Chuck Norris?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T11:16:19+01:00

"That's a dumb question! If a woodchuck was Chuck Norris it would chuck all the wood. Obviously. Naughty Opossum, you've disappointed me."

John, have you ever met Clint Eastwood?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T19:53:59+01:00

"Yes, but I wasn't feeling lucky that day, so I just nodded and moved along."

John, could you tell us more about your connection to the Esalen Center?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T20:21:27+01:00

"I was recruited to mesmerize convalescent hamsters but I've been downgraded to assistant of the assistant since I made an alcoholic hamster beg for Vicodin."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T20:24:04+01:00

John, if you could choose the way you will die, how would you want it to happen?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T22:27:52+01:00

Having sex.

John if I lend my car. You can drive on the right side?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T23:20:23+01:00

"Of course, do you think I'm a retard!? The right side is the left side, right? Where do I go now? Left? Right. I've understood, LEFT! Weird kind of car...and now? Right or left? Right. LEFT, right! O-kay! Wtf, drive your damn car yourself and get me home, I'm tired, I'm cold and I think I'm going to throw up."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-05-31T23:23:44+01:00

John, can you do the lotus position?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-01T00:38:45+01:00

Front seat or back seat?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-01T00:39:38+01:00

John, have you ever had sex in your Lotus?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-01T02:08:22+01:00

Only by myself.

No, seriously--not in the Lotus, but there was that time with the Swedish twins in my Range Rover.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-01T03:25:25+01:00

And your question is?.... Allow me...

John, is it true that you once played one of Winston Churchill's bogeys in a Derek and Clive Live episode? I believe you did a couple of silly picks? (OK, you had to be there).

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-02T22:11:37+01:00

Yes, it's certainly true. Old Winston and I were quite the pair of chums. I was a big influence on him and wrote most of his speeches. It's not my fault he cut out the funny parts.

John, just how many small rodents have you eaten in your day? And how many were covered in gooseberry gravy?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T01:21:57+01:00

I've lost count, and only the really large ones that had enough meat and fat on them to make gravy.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T01:23:21+01:00

Dear John:

Do you wear pajamas/pyjamas to bed?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T11:20:16+01:00

I wear neither. Garry seems so much more timid when he comes to wake me up and I'm wearing nothing but a thong. Priceless.

John, milk chocolate?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T13:43:29+01:00

"No, I'm lactose intolerant. But I do like a bit of brown sugar now and then, if you know what I mean."

Dear John: Please, please tell me you're not one of those fat old guys wearing Speedos on the Riviera!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T17:04:21+01:00

"At least I'm not fat"

John, if your daughter Camilla told you she's dating Michael Winner, how would you react?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T17:26:03+01:00

lol

(no, that's not john, that's my reaction to her question)

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T19:11:41+01:00

Oh...my. I guess those stem cell treatments are working, John! No further questions!

"Camilla dating Michael Winner? Absolutely NOT! I know where that thing has been, and I don't want it anywhere near my daughter!"

No, I think he'd really say, "She's a grown up; I'm not going to tell her what to do. If she's happy, that's all that's important."

While thinking, "But if she gets pregnant by that bastard, I will not acknowledge their demon spawn!"

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T19:40:13+01:00

John, did you ever have an ear torn off by a mongoose?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:12:48+01:00

"I...No, I...That was just hearsay; no one can prove the mongoose and I were engaged in rough sex when my ear was torn (not ripped off)."

John, what is your favorite smell?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:26:01+01:00

"Ask Cad. We have the same taste in that area. Er...yes"

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:27:46+01:00

John, what would you do if Garry resigned?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:36:25+01:00

I would hire the entire population of that marvelous forum of mine. I'm sure between the lot of them something would get done eventually.

John, what about the rumors that your favorite article of clothing is a gold velour track suit?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:44:10+01:00

"Oh, you've read about it on the Daily Mail, right? Dear girls, will you ever learn not to believe every single word you read on those shitty tabloids, that's a pile of rubbish!

Silver. That's the colour."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:48:05+01:00

John, tell us about the girl (I assume it was a girl) to whom you lost your virginity to. How was the whole thing?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T20:49:53+01:00

A bit rubbish, actually. Silly thing had no idea what she was doing. I had to walk her through every step. Where do you think the sketch in MoL came from?

John, how long does it take you to polish your awards every morning?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T21:37:12+01:00

ask garry.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T21:39:22+01:00

when did you last have sex with mikey?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T21:42:02+01:00

Ask Gary ,He does it .

John, Do the people on here write your scripts?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T21:48:44+01:00

ask garry. again.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:05:12+01:00

"Mikey? Oh, don't ask Garry. He wasn't my servant when it happened. Let me think...June 1967, mmm...or was it 1968...no, no, my memory refuses to cooperate with me at this moment.

Mmm, can you...can you bow yourself a little more?..."

John, what are you* doing in this very moment?

* Sory MR Thumbl im no perfect, my englisch very bed, very very bed end iven if i try my best i some time forget words to type. forgive me?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:18:51+01:00

Contemplating the utter inanity of your silly foreign question... (no I didn't miss a bloody "s")

John, how many sheds do you have?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:20:42+01:00

"Less than Mr. Two Sheds, if that's what you mean, moron."

John, why have you forsaken us?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:24:28+01:00

because you're all grown-ups

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:27:58+01:00

"Oohh...I haven't. I was just busy with some...well, I was inattentive."

John, do you think that some of us (me) are really too vulgar and rude towards you?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:32:30+01:00

get a life you sad *ucks

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:37:43+01:00

how are you john?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:44:50+01:00

"Ask Garry"

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-03T22:53:35+01:00

"Less than Mr. Two Sheds, if that's what you mean, moron."

If you are referring to my good friend Arthur (two sheds) Jackson then I wish to register a complaint.

John, what is your complaint about Arthur, and why can't you finish an interview? Must you automatically multiply everything by 4, and why can't you answer more than one question at a time. I could go on.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-04T01:11:04+01:00

"To go back a bit: The girl to whom I lost my virginity, whom I shall refer to as "Kiwi", was a girl around my age who had taken a fancy to me. I thought, "Well, I'm 24 years old, I'd better get this over with." So I went to a store to buy her some perfume, thinking that if she smelled really good, I might enjoy it a bit more. So I tried several perfumes on myself, and picked one. But I had to have a New Zealand driving test before our hookup. I went to my test reeking of women's perfume. The driving instructor must have wondered... But later that night, on the second floor of the Station House Hotel in Auckland, Kiwi helped me break my duck."

"At least, that's about the way I usually tell it..."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-04T03:06:37+01:00

*time out*
I protest MrsT!! I thought my answer was clever enough!
*time in*

John, my purple banana hammock doesn't fit anymore. Would you like to have it?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-04T13:24:41+01:00

*time out*
PG, that's about the way he's told the story on camera.
*time in*

"Ha ha, very clever, Miss PG! I will have your hammock only if the fuzzy grapes are still attached."

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-04T18:09:07+01:00

*time out*
Oh ok. Sorry MrsT! I'll quite crying now. *sniff*
*time in! *

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-08T18:43:37+01:00

oi john
how come you always log in on the 8th?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-08T20:01:57+01:00

That's his monthly log-on day. That's how he remembers it.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-08T21:59:51+01:00

"he"?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-08T22:11:39+01:00

Well... i´m not sure!

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-08T22:14:09+01:00

It sent me underpants ... Could you please send a suspenders?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-09T10:36:25+01:00

I just meant, if we ARE John Cleese in this thread, we should at least play the part persistently.

And no.

John, Are corn kennels anything like dog kennels? And is not, why be so lazy as to use the same word?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-09T18:50:15+01:00

It's corn kernels, not kennels....a kennel is for dogs and it's an army rank...right?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-09T18:50:40+01:00

Is there an army rank called "kennel", or did I dream that?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-09T19:42:46+01:00

Colonel?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-09T22:35:17+01:00

I know. I was joking.

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-11T14:47:29+01:00

Why do you people pronounce it like that anyway? Makes no sense

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-11T22:14:56+01:00

I haven't got the foggiest idea! Maybe it comes from Japanese?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-23T02:39:13+01:00

want to return to the game? I think Naughty Opossum is right. (I said this, not Jack).

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-06-23T12:18:28+01:00

Wish he did :(

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-10-27T03:40:18+01:00

Now that your knee has recovered. You can do the silly walk?

Hi! I´m JOHN CLEESE

2010-10-27T03:48:08+01:00

Yes, I can do it now, but I'll do it for nobody's sake. Sorry.